Share, Like, Subscribe but most importantly - watch it yourself. I’m not doing it for nothing again, those are the exercises and information that gives you strength, power over your own life, training you to navigate your own reality because you don’t want to be woke anymore. Nobody does. It’s your life and you should be capable of feeling it all!
I created YouTube channel on the day and posted 2 videos straight explaining why i need it etc, next day I received a message that i need to teach you grounding, i then told people about my book but that video was a bit longer so not a lot of views there but that’s okay, not everyone needs to go deep and meaningful with me together so I’m not worried.
I do short videos so that the attention stays in place and some explanations of human emotions which tend to overwhelm you and how to deal with those :)
So far I enjoy doing it and I like that they’re short as I don’t have to do much editing so the pressure is at an absolute minimum which is very nice to feel. It comes from the heart and hopefully benefits you guys.
Death of old self
Hello from the other side!
It happened the day before yesterday when I was trying to get myself back to life after experiencing all sorts of things during the past few days. I was doing a heavy breath Yoga and was trying to release all this pain in my chest…I usually meditate in the end of the sequence to relax my body completely and let go of everything that doesn’t serve me at this point.
This time it was different. I’ve been invited to my own space (I’ve got sort of a castle but not a castle in the astral realm and it’s got an open top space - as it doesn’t rain in the astral realm it was a good idea to create it to be able to learn from different spirits).
All of a sudden i see my old self right in front of me, tired, exhausted, wanting to let go of all the struggles - this was an invitation to take the learnings and release the old self… I didn’t feel like ego death that I’ve experienced before, it felt more like a release.
After this my spirit team appeared and said that now its fully my body and i can leave my life in peace and make the human world a better place with all my creations as there is a lot of beauty in them and they resonate a lot of energy which this world needs. I couldn’t even cry, i felt like a big part of me just died…
Instructions for the next few days were to let it settle which I’m experiencing now. Within this I perceive life better in present, there is no nudge to go down the rabbit hole again like it always was, I am here and I am a full being now with higher self integrated into my body.
Stay tuned, i guess..
P.s.: we had an event at work yesterday and the administrator of the restaurant felt my shift and sent me a long message this morning how good he felt charged up with my energy. He got stuck in my world till good 3 am and wrote a poem in the end! So i do inspire people and it’s very good to know. Now i’ve been shown spaces in London where I could put my paintings, i just need to speak to some people and i guess it could be possible :) Would you show up on the exhibition if I make one in London this year?
By the way, please join my telegram channel @Thepeacefulwarrior where I document all those things.
Press Y
You know, I’m really trying not to want to die and it doesn’t come easy. As someone who is constantly people pleasing I have no energy for myself, worst - I don’t know when i start and other people end. A typical people pleaser, a psychologist would say… however - i’ve been there too and psychologists were doing all sorts of tests with me and figured i have 6 schemer personalities which could become all friends if I learn about them. When insurance stopped paying for my psychologist i was on the 3rd or 4th schemer so i never learnt what’s next and it’s only my problem… I went into an investigation mode called Press Y because to me, if something isn’t working you need to first find out why it isn’t working. Here we go…
I was hoping to get an eye test done today and yet I was late by around 10 mins due to traffic jams and parking - rejection straight away, moved it to tomorrow. fine.
I went to the fabric shop because i really want to wear long wool skirt and I can’t find it anywhere.. You’d be surprised byt the cost of fabric is £17.99 per meter and if you need 4 it gets to £80 + zip (£6) and maybe a thread of the same burgundy colour = around £100. ‘I don’t have them. Not for this’, I’m thinking.
Okay, I still want to do something pleasant for myself, went to Fenwick to take a look at the skirts there - 100 trousers - 1 shitty skirt for £55 made of recycled polyester. (Same polyester costed £6.99 per meter in the shop). I’m very confused at this point. My partner said that this is fast fashion and this is why… I went to look further and dresses from recycled polyester were £199/259 with threads coming out on the wrong places. PRESS Y!
So things in the world are going upside down as prices are raising for no fucking reason (at least on clothes, why polyester dress costs this much i have no clue, it was some random unknown brand, not Chloé or even All Saints), they suggest women to grow balls because all of the trousers are either leather or jeans and skirts are all minis, there is no way people could earn more in those circumstances where taxes are imposed for no reason and bills are going up for the same, wait,….NO REASON! And we are surprised that charity shops are so popular! Where on Earth should I take a reason to live if it’s like this everywhere?
I went home and i thought I’d paint and this would be something i would do for myself but so far I’ve done laundry. dishes and poored myself a mug of tomato soup and went to write this. Now I have an hour to collapse into the painting because then I need to go and take a look at the piano that someone wants to buy for themselves. Do you see what I’m talking about? I live like I’m dead already, what is the point of believing in myself and what it’s like - believing in yourself - I never learnt. As someone raised in Russia I’ve been prompt to make sure everyone is okay - i have to admit, this job is done 5 star. The other side of the Moon is now on fire and a recent new low was me asking my partner to end my life which i couldn’t believe i was saying it but i was.
I’ve been experiencing this for good 7-10 years now and I usually force myself to go very deep inside, cry it all out etc but at this point i don’t see a point. I’m honestly just speechless, i don’t even sing and i really like it but i simply can’t, my voice doesn’t operate on the same scale, body itself is in the huuuuuge saving mode and my head just doesn’t stop being swollen. Well, i booked an eye test for myself again tomorrow, maybe i’ll do something for myself and feel better but so far I’m thinking of finishing the book and… see what happens. I’m very tired of living like this and i understand the implications of suicide but again, one of my friends crossed to the other side last year and there is not much that changed on this side. My family wouldn’t even know, it would just be another story of a depressed person finishing like that, why not. And my body will be cremated here so my ashes can beautifully be drizzled into the La Manche from the cliffs of Dover…
I’m not sure I want to die but it does feel like it would be a big relief.. But i so don’t want to get back into the body again, i’d better do it all now and go for good so I’m not sure i want to die but something defo needs to change. Not wanting to die is another form of living, i guess, i’ll try that for a bit and see if it works…
This life is here to enjoy!
I woke up this morning and did my usual practice where I ask my Higher Self what this day is for…
- It’s there to learn to enjoy life, the answer was. I thought, hm, that’s a challenge and then question ‘why’ appeared in my head.
“I wasn’t raised to enjoy life” and this is why it’s a challenge. I know it’s not the most common challenge one would usually find but i felt a bit sad about it and decided to cheer myself up. I made a nice coffee, dropped my partner at the train station and did my best to create an enjoyable journey back home. The sun was out, the sky was blue, songs were good - i got myself into the flow of ‘enjoying life’.
I then came home, got dressed warmly and headed to the gated forest (it’s gated energetically, not physically. This forest’s spirit is very protective of its creatures and network of plants so there is no reception nor lights and the feeling is very different when you go in through the forest path as if the forest connects to you on the way - i love it, i usually come there to get good advice from the spirit).
I thought it would be a good occasion to record a TikTok with Forest and its sounds because now people don’t naturally live near the forest, there is enough energy only to poor a glass of wine after they shut their laptop, so I thought it would be nice to give them something they could take right there - the vibe! (some people even said thank you in comments, felt received).
I continued to the forest walking very slowly. I usually move with pace of the trees, it makes it easier to feel the energy and perceive the frequency to communicate. And who could have thought that the Red Robin which usually sings on the tree near our house would be walking towards me! I sat down to say hello and she chirped back! She then went around me as close as my keyboard right now, jumped through her path and sat on a branch right in front of me pinning me with her tiny little eyes. She wasn’t afraid of me but curious as much as I was! At one point the chirp felt like “I Love You” and so i said I love you back because in that experience there was only love and nothing else, it was beautiful, so connected and so genuine. I’ve never seen a bird this close to me, never!
So, i guess, once we open up to the enjoyment of life we actually align to the natural frequencies where All is One :) So fun to discover this every day and so sad to realise that i’ve spent 28 years of my life thinking its not important…not not important, i always loved forest and creatures in them but i never aligned myself to be one of them…but i am and all of us are…)
CALL FOR ARTISTS ARE SCAMS
No, seriously… each one wants you to pay the fee per artwork with no garantie that your artwork will be exhibited. Then they get shit tone of requests (which is reasonable because their newsletter is international) and of course there is not enough space for all 100500 paintings that people applied!
I’m sorry for fussing but it drives me nuts because each year i set myself a small budget to participate in the group shows and because of those Mall Galleries and Royal Art Society or else I’m loosing money and not getting anything for it. Example - I paid £25/per artwork and didn’t get selected - that’s okay… but when I paid £80 to apply 2 artworks into the Royal Academy of Artis for a Summer Exhibition and got nothing back - that was annoying. This year i only entered one because I knew that i shouldn’t spend more than I have whether previously I’d spend credit money on that (thanks God i got smarter ahha).
I don’t know anymore how to event get out there as students of Art universities always are shortlisted to exhibit but the artworks are very simple with no concept behind or something basic, i walked around the art streets of London and saw those galleries where a person can’t even answer the question on who the artist is and yet it’s sold but you don’t know for how much… arrrrrr.
I’ve been grinding so long in this space that I’m ready to give up to be honest. I love making art and doing exhibitions but when the world is set the way that it shuts all the doors and you can’t even get out into public so that your artworks could be seen in real life it’s quite hard to keep going and pay for things that are not worth anything. What the fuck is wrong with this world, honestly… anyway, you get the idea, I didn’t get to the group show at Mall Galleries this year, better luck somewhere else I guess..