You know, I’m really trying not to want to die and it doesn’t come easy. As someone who is constantly people pleasing I have no energy for myself, worst - I don’t know when i start and other people end. A typical people pleaser, a psychologist would say… however - i’ve been there too and psychologists were doing all sorts of tests with me and figured i have 6 schemer personalities which could become all friends if I learn about them. When insurance stopped paying for my psychologist i was on the 3rd or 4th schemer so i never learnt what’s next and it’s only my problem… I went into an investigation mode called Press Y because to me, if something isn’t working you need to first find out why it isn’t working. Here we go…
I was hoping to get an eye test done today and yet I was late by around 10 mins due to traffic jams and parking - rejection straight away, moved it to tomorrow. fine.
I went to the fabric shop because i really want to wear long wool skirt and I can’t find it anywhere.. You’d be surprised byt the cost of fabric is £17.99 per meter and if you need 4 it gets to £80 + zip (£6) and maybe a thread of the same burgundy colour = around £100. ‘I don’t have them. Not for this’, I’m thinking.
Okay, I still want to do something pleasant for myself, went to Fenwick to take a look at the skirts there - 100 trousers - 1 shitty skirt for £55 made of recycled polyester. (Same polyester costed £6.99 per meter in the shop). I’m very confused at this point. My partner said that this is fast fashion and this is why… I went to look further and dresses from recycled polyester were £199/259 with threads coming out on the wrong places. PRESS Y!
So things in the world are going upside down as prices are raising for no fucking reason (at least on clothes, why polyester dress costs this much i have no clue, it was some random unknown brand, not Chloé or even All Saints), they suggest women to grow balls because all of the trousers are either leather or jeans and skirts are all minis, there is no way people could earn more in those circumstances where taxes are imposed for no reason and bills are going up for the same, wait,….NO REASON! And we are surprised that charity shops are so popular! Where on Earth should I take a reason to live if it’s like this everywhere?
I went home and i thought I’d paint and this would be something i would do for myself but so far I’ve done laundry. dishes and poored myself a mug of tomato soup and went to write this. Now I have an hour to collapse into the painting because then I need to go and take a look at the piano that someone wants to buy for themselves. Do you see what I’m talking about? I live like I’m dead already, what is the point of believing in myself and what it’s like - believing in yourself - I never learnt. As someone raised in Russia I’ve been prompt to make sure everyone is okay - i have to admit, this job is done 5 star. The other side of the Moon is now on fire and a recent new low was me asking my partner to end my life which i couldn’t believe i was saying it but i was.
I’ve been experiencing this for good 7-10 years now and I usually force myself to go very deep inside, cry it all out etc but at this point i don’t see a point. I’m honestly just speechless, i don’t even sing and i really like it but i simply can’t, my voice doesn’t operate on the same scale, body itself is in the huuuuuge saving mode and my head just doesn’t stop being swollen. Well, i booked an eye test for myself again tomorrow, maybe i’ll do something for myself and feel better but so far I’m thinking of finishing the book and… see what happens. I’m very tired of living like this and i understand the implications of suicide but again, one of my friends crossed to the other side last year and there is not much that changed on this side. My family wouldn’t even know, it would just be another story of a depressed person finishing like that, why not. And my body will be cremated here so my ashes can beautifully be drizzled into the La Manche from the cliffs of Dover…
I’m not sure I want to die but it does feel like it would be a big relief.. But i so don’t want to get back into the body again, i’d better do it all now and go for good so I’m not sure i want to die but something defo needs to change. Not wanting to die is another form of living, i guess, i’ll try that for a bit and see if it works…
